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It's been a while since I shared my feelings openly about my walk with Christ but I want to share them today in hopes that I may encourage someone to keep walking this walk of faith. So it all happened as went from Texas to Georgia in my season of transition. Before my arrival I had been in a place with God where I knew his voice. I understood the steps he told me to take in my life and I was confident well sometimes but for the most part I knew when he spoke.
"My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. - John 10:27"
See during my time with God in Texas I had no outside voices and when I did they were very limited. I had moved to Texas because our family #PCS'd there. This was the first time I would be away from family and not to mention I was 4 mos. pregnant and we had a newborn. Arriving to Texas, seeing the El Paso sign and my husband picking me up all felt so exciting. I was so excited for a fresh start in what I thought was the promise land and literally it was the desert.
Wilderness Season
When I say desert I mean it! Just imagine rocks everywhere, sand, mountains and not a green plant to be seen unless it was fake. I was in total shock coming from Georgia yet this was my promise land so I thought. Yet God quickly revealed that this would be what some refer to as a Wilderness season. Now a wilderness season is a time of being tested and tried. So I would be tested and tried in all areas from my marriage, children and even my character.
A lot of the older writings you see will be from that time of testing which also meant God was teaching me things to be tested on that I will share over time. Back to what I was saying! During this time which I referred to as my wilderness season, tears flowed down my cheeks often. Thoughts of am I enough, can I do this but I would only find peace in the presence of God. So when I didn't know what to do I turned on YouTube to listen to praise and worship and just began to get in the presence of God.
I knew that all I really had was God because though I could called my loved ones no one would be there physically to hug me, tell me it was going to be okay, or hand me a tissue to wipe the tears from my eyes. In this season I learned the specific struggles that #militaryspouses went through that were in a special category of their own. Also what it really meant to #love in action and not just words, to serve God and to be a #womanoffaith. These were hardcore lessons that took years to learn and I thank God for all of it.
Eventually I would find myself transitioning out of all those dry places and beginning to learn the voice of God in my life. God would confirms his word to me, show me what his word looked like in my life, and how he often would remind me he was there with me wherever I go. Yet when I got to Georgia all of that felt like it was slowly going out the window.
Transition to Confusion
See there is a very real enemy to our soul! This enemy came in the form of doubt confusion and even discouragement. What is even funnier is that he would use those you love the most unbeknownst to even themselves. See going to Georgia I knew from the time I left was only a temporary place and that God had plans for my family and that this was just a stop along the way. I knew that I had a mission in this time of transition yet this being a familiar place I began to get comfortable.
It was so nice to be around all my loved ones and to see family I hadn't seen for almost a year which was the last time I visited Georgia. I began to get caught up in wanting to be apart of everything going on. I wanted to spend time with those people who I love adore and respect. For weeks everything was nice but then things began to come, words were being spoken and confusion started to settle in.
The craziest part was that things that I just knew God told me in prayer weren't lining up or I was feeling otherwise, #doubt came in. It came in like a flood and all of its homies with it. At this time I was having encounters with God that I didn't physically have before yet those things that were far off that required instruction and patient began to make no sense.
Doubt gave way to confusion and before I knew it I was #discouraged with my walk with God. Discouragement came and I thought if I can't hear the voice of God how could I continue on this walk. I got so discouraged I wanted to go back to doing things I had not done in years. I went to the club, wanted to drink, and just do all the things I had thought I wasn't doing to serve God. Yet none of these things fulfilled me and after just a few times for some of those things once, I lost the appetite for it.
Yet confusion doubt and #discouragement was after something so much bigger than those outward things. The inner turmoil that I felt inside was coming up against my destiny and #purpose. This hurt so much and I had a heaviness on me and even though God was speaking I felt like there is no way I'm hearing him correctly. For me to spend years being sure about the voice of God and what he had purposed me to do on this earth why was this taking place.
Encouragement
What I realized that for me I don't trust the voice of God inside me and that I trusted others to hear for me. Yet God was requiring me to hear his voice know it and remain confident. Yet I hope this encourages you that I couldn't follow any voice that didn't line up with what he was saying in my life even the ones coming from inside. I could only follow the voice of God because I am his sheep. This is such exciting news and comforted me knowing that anything that wasn't the voice of God I could not and would not follow.
Going through what I went through also made me stronger. It was life in my suffering and adversity that God was building my character to withstand. It's like when we exercise we have to break down muscles to build them up stronger. Roses have to be pruned to make more roses. This is so encouraging because when discouragement comes that means your character is being built. In the end you have to have a mindset of victory no matter what comes way.
Lastly the biggest thing I learned is that when discouragement comes it means you are so much closer to that thing you're hoping for. Not at all times is it going to be all three but know something is working for your good and to keep the hope. As all these things were going on in my life and I was doubting the voice of God I was being built to launch my second stream of income. Around two months after all the confusion I started a second stream of income selling a low content journal and created my blog.
This is all with the help and love from my supportive family, my pastor, leaders, sisters in Christ and Marcharie Hayle Ministry School of the Kingdom. All of this helped me as I took time to hear the voice of God on my own but remained plugged into my God given community. There are still times that discouragement tries to visit but I am reminded that I know the voice of God, that I am stronger and that I am closer to my destiny than I think.
-Peace & Favor